Over forty years ago, I made the difficult decision to divorce my then-husband and the father of my children. I was losing myself in a toxic relationship that threatened to destroy me. It was 1980, and I was wracked by guilt and shame. I didn’t want to hurt myself, my children or my extended family. It was one of the lowest points in my life. I felt estranged from both God and the people I loved. I felt completely alone, abandoned by the God and church that I thought I believed in.
One day, in the depths of my despair, I made a decision. In my mind, I deliberately jumped into the dark abyss. It was the only way I knew to find out if my faith was real. At that moment I felt myself lifted up and held by something far greater than myself. At that moment I knew that I wasn’t completely alone. It is a moment I will never forget.
As I think about what faith is and isn’t, I realize that it is very easy to have faith when things are going well. Unless and until I am tested, I have no idea whether or not my faith is real. C.H. Spurgeon says, “To trust God in the light is nothing, but trust him in the dark – that is faith.” It is only when I am in the dark that I can recognize that I am not alone. It is only when I feel lost and forsaken by God, that I can truly recognize that God lives in me and will not ever leave me.
Having faith in a structure is not the same as having faith in the Source. Institutions, religions, rules, dogma – these are the things that many people put their faith in. But ultimately they are small comfort in the depths of despair. Institutions fall, and rules don’t make sense. Having faith in these things will ultimately lead to disappointment and disillusionment. But having faith in the ultimate power of love will lead to hope.
My faith has been tested many times in my life – divorce, death, losses of many kinds. Usually, in those dark places, I couldn’t see love holding me up. I just had to have faith that I wasn’t alone. As I look back over my life, I can see where I was guided and held. Each time I was in the depths, I had to rely on my faith that love would eventually see me through. Each time my faith grew stronger.
On the cross, Jesus cried out to his father, asking why he had abandoned him; but even in death Jesus trusted that his spirit was in good hands, that no matter what, he was loved. Sometimes faith is such a slender thread that I don’t even know it exists, but it is ultimately what gives me the strength to carry on in the midst of the dark. It is only in the dark that I can recognize that my faith is real.
Barbara Garland
April 2023
