The other night I dreamed about being in a house with a round living room. The room was furnished with rectangular, boxy furniture. While the furniture was lovely, it was just a bit off. It didn’t quite fit with the round room. In the dream I was deciding whether to buy the house. The round living room was a deal breaker. I would never be able to furnish it so that it would feel right.

I don’t know about you, but I have spent a lot of my life trying to fit myself into spaces that are not meant for me – trying to put square pegs into round holes. Our modern culture demands that women, especially, conform to cultural ideals of beauty, of personality types, of ways to be that can be impossible to attain.  Although it may not be true for the younger generation, many of us who are boomers spent a lot of our lives trying to fit into ideals that didn’t belong to us. My true self was not acceptable, and consequently, I tried to be something I was not. I tried to make myself conform to what other people expected of me, not who I really was.

When I don’t show up as my true self, I deprive not only myself, but also the world of my own uniqueness. I learn to hide my gifts and make myself small. I let my true essence evaporate under the expectations of those who surround me. I hide my wildness, my vulnerabilities, my intuition, and my true nature. Then I become frustrated, angry, numb, and uncertain of who and what I really am. I do not let my full creativity to shine forth out of fear of being labeled weird – or worse.

In my dream I decided that I couldn’t live in a house that didn’t fit, that was beautiful, but a little bit off. In my own life, I must make the same decision. I must discover and stand in my own truth. I must use my voice creatively. I must show up as my own unique self, no matter what.

I am a slow learner. Even in my elder years I fear that when I am brave enough to be who I truly am I will lose the people I love, that I won’t fit into their ideas of who and what I am. I am bigger, wilder, deeper, than they or I can imagine. The truth is that I have never fit into societal expectations of what a woman should be – and I never will.

It is only when I allow my unique self to shine that I can allow others to shine. As I free myself to be more of my true myself, I can allow others to be themselves. Being compassionate towards myself allows me to be compassionate towards others, which ultimately frees us all. I can be whatever shaped peg I want to be without trying to fit myself into spaces where I don’t belong. And ultimately that is where I will find true freedom.

Barbara Garland
July, 2022