Do We Really Need Closure?

A good friend and I have been emailing back and forth this week about difficult conversations and the need for closure. In addition, I have been part of a Racial Unity Committee in my Rotary Club for the past year. This group has been engaged in sometimes uncomfortable conversations about racism, anti-racism, the concept of equity, and in exploring our own unconscious biases.

One of things that we talked about in the early days of the committee work was that the work is long and arduous, and that change comes very slowly. As I listened and learned, I realized that there are no easy fixes.  There is no closure on these issues, no talk about it and we’re done, no fixing and walking away. These issues demand constant attention and continuous effort and engagement.

As humans we often long for closure. We want things to be finished so that we can walk away and not look back. We want every problem to be neatly solved so that we can live our happily ever-afters. For me, the truth is that there is no such thing as closure. We all carry trauma in the very cells of our bodies, not just from our own lifetimes, but from many lifetimes. We think that we have resolved issues, only to have them pop up unexpectedly during times of stress or when we are triggered. Many problems have limited solutions and the best we can do is hold the tension of non-closure.

As I think about the concept, it occurs to me that if we have true closure, we can no longer grow. Spiritually, I don’t think there is ever true closure because we are constantly being challenged to continue to go deeper and to grow deeper. We need to be challenged. We need to have feelings and unresolved issues in order to be pushed, usually quite unwillingly, into deeper conversations both with ourselves and with others.

My mother died suddenly over 30 years ago. I experienced deep grief and loss and dealt with her death for many years. With the passage of time, the grief is not so raw, but I still feel her loss deep in my soul. I am aware that there are still issues to work on regarding my relationship to my physical mother, and even more deeply, my divine mother. In many respects, I don’t want or need closure. What is important to me is to continue to dive deep and explore the relationship and the possibilities for growth that that relationship brought me and continues to bring to me.

As my friend so aptly stated, ‘something has to touch our heart or reach our soul.’ Instead of seeking closure, I have determined that I will seek the growth that non-closure brings to me. Won’t you join me in exploring this path.

Barbara Garland
June, 2021