Coming Back – in the World, But Not of the World

I don’t know about you, but I am a different person as I emerge from the past year. I spent most of 2020 doing deep inner work. I spent lots of time alone, doing things that fed my soul – writing, painting, having long talks on Zoom with my soul sisters. As an introvert, I welcomed the solitude and the time I could spend on my solitary pursuits.  While I missed hugs, in person visits, and some social activities, I was very content to have my life to myself. I didn’t realize, however, how difficult coming back into the world would be.

As an introvert, I felt safe in my little Covid cocoon. It was nice not to have to deal with lots of people. My conversations were on Zoom or the phone with one person or a few people at a time. I could engage in more depth with less small talk. Coming into the big crowded world now is more difficult than I thought. It seems too loud, too boisterous, too MUCH.

As I come back into the world, I have been feeling very empty. When I am with other people, I feel separate and apart. Conversations swirl around me, but I am not part of those conversations. Sometimes I feel as if I am on an island, surrounded by people but unable to communicate with my true voice.

I think that some  of that feeling comes from being on a different path, both spiritually and politically, than most of the people that I deal with in my everyday life. Since I have spent so much time in my inner world, in conversation with my Soul, I don’t fit into their view of the world, and I am not sure how to navigate conversations other than very superficially. I leave social situations feeling isolated and apart. I feel angry with myself for not expressing my true feelings, and yet know in my heart that those thoughts would be neither accepted nor appreciated.

I had a wonderful conversation with my spiritual director today. We talked about how easy it is for many of us to feed others, but how hard it is to ask to be fed. We talked about ways to feed ourselves in these tricky situations that leave us frustrated, isolated, and needing more.

First and foremost is naming what is happening in those situations. Instead of blaming myself or others, I simply recognize and celebrate that I don’t always fit into situations that are filled with a lot of people. Just acknowledging that it is okay to feel what I feel is a step toward freeing myself from the tyranny of always having to be social.

Secondly, there are ways to let others know that I am connected energetically to a different source than most people. I don’t have to announce that I follow the Goddess, but I can talk about the history of the Summer Solstice or the Winter Equinox. I can bring up a Christian spiritual teacher, such as Richard Rohr, with whom I resonate. I can bring up topics that open doors to discussion without drawing divisive lines.

Thirdly, I need to admit that I need to be fed too. I can seek out more people, especially women, who are on the same path. There are so many resources online today, so many people out there who are on this Goddess path, that I don’t have to depend on finding people in my own community. There is so much wisdom to be gained from across the world, and fortunately I have the means to find it.

I am writing this today because I know that I am not the only one dealing with these feelings of disconnect, and I hope that we can support each other as we venture out into the new, old world. Many of us have been transformed during this time, and it is not easy to come back to a world that expects us to be the same.

I would love to hear your thoughts and suggestions as to how you are navigating this new reality. You can comment at womanspiritspeaks48@gmail.com.

Barbara Garland
June 17, 2021